Old People Like Floral Patterns

It is not an entrenched holdover from the glory days of the Old Person in which floral prints were popular. Floral prints were never popular. When you become an Old Person, you simply like stuff with flowers all over it. It calms the blood.

Old People Have Type 2 Diabetes

…and continue to eat the rich, heavy foods they always have. And really, why should they stop now? They’ve gone this long.

Old People Love America

They fought in the war and stuff, so they deserve some damn respect. However, seeing an extremely Old Person in their old military uniform, hunched over, walking down the street every so slowly in a parade, pausing only to shakily salute the flag is pretty much the saddest thing ever.

Old People Hate Cellular Phones

Like debit cards (see previous entry), Old People vehemently loathe and distrust cellular phones because they are a technology that dared to exist after they turned 35. Old People like things the way they are, and for them, that means the inconvenience of tethered, dialed telephones rented from the phone company with cost-prohibitive long distance. Old People like and nostalgize things “the way they were,” even if they were rotten. So there is no chance they will use a cell phone. Also, like debit cards, Old People will claim not to use their cell phone (usually procured as a gift by a well-meaning but naïve Young Person relative) because, “nobody told them how to use them.” Nobody told the Old People how to use their cellular phones because 1) it’s a telephone, 2) the purchase of a cellular phone includes a gigantic manual, even though it’s just a telephone. The manual contains extremely small print, which Old People, who have terrible vision, will refuse to read. And Old People do not ask for help, ever: they are the proud generation who fought off Napoleon and Red China and can do very well for themselves thank you very much, if you will excuse them while they get lost on the way to the grocery store down the street and run over a tree in the process because they are blind and also forgot to eat today.

Or, it’s because the lack of a dial tone confuses them and goes against everything they’ve ever understood about the way phones work. Also, they think it will somehow cost $1,000 a minute, even if they call you on the weekend.