Old People Like Mall Walking

Not only does walking around the perimeter of a mall burn a gut-busting 10 calories an hour, but it allows Old People the privilege of being out in public. It’s a pretty sweet deal – for free, Old People get to “exercise” in what they think are gorgeous shoppng pavilions, but because the mall walking occurs before business hours, the Old People may avoid teenagers, gang bangers, loiterers, high-pressure salesmen, and all other unsavories that populate shopping malls. The early hour is also handy if the Old People get lost – they are much easier to find in an empty mall than a full one. And as a benefit to the rest of us, they are gone and back in the Home Van by the time the mall opens at 10. This is necessary to the survival of the shopping mall, and thus the economy as a whole. Those engaging in retail therapy  are looking to buy stuff to fill the void in their souls caused by aging, mortality, and their own failings. They don’t need a (barely) living, haunting reminder of all that – Old People – when they’re trying to buy khakis, ankle boots, and horse-sized cinnamon rolls.

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